Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.