6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Aight bet
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster