An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
cat vs inanimate object
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
#NoRestForTheWicked
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.