Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
translated into Canadian
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?