Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Jesus Christ lmao
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem