A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
barbara was highly relatable
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
HELP 😭
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.