[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
mariah carrie
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.