This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
tis the season
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
beware of dog
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.