If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
And that about sums it up.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…