My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!