Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
You Might Also Like
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right