A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Clients after you give them your rates
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”