“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
The 6 types of sex
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Breaking news:
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you