Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
no such thing as a dumb question
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning