1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*