coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.