People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.