I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
What about second breakfast?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*