Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
LA today:
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.