If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*gets down on one knee*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon