[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.