An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.