Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Care for your back
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown