ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Best spoiler warning ever
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.