my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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Become ungovernable.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??