ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks