If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.