nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I forgot how to panic. Help
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening