Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You Might Also Like
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ugh
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count