Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.