My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
ACED my prostate exam!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.