Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Sniffing the broccoli
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Y’all know who you are.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower