[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
All generalizations are stupid.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“No way.” -Jose
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.