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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
this country is so goddamn polarized
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Shortcut
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
you’re so productive for your wage
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass