I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Pikachu found the lost joint
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I didn’t realize that was an option
getting groceries
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same