So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Fries, not lies.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind