huge if true: the moon
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
O Wise One….
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER