What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.