I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.