Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
#Caturday
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?