*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
You Might Also Like
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.