I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.