GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.