Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
sin harder.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.