My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Interior design 👌
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..