If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.