You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
good for her
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today