BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Dead sexy!!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Siri, fight Alexa.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.