If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do