[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
ugh not again
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?